Conflict in Marriage

Many of us grow up believing that conflict in marriage is a sign that something has gone wrong—that we’re not loving enough, not selfless enough, or not kind enough. We may think, if we were doing marriage right, we wouldn’t be fighting. But that belief sets us up for disillusionment. The truth is, if you’re going to make room for two real people in a marriage, then conflict is not only inevitable—it’s necessary.

Conflict is normal in an honest marriage. You married someone who is very different from you, so difference is going to be part of your marriage. The issue isn’t conflict, the issue is how you handle the conflicts. How much do we bring contempt to relationship, versus decency and honesty and accountability? A marriage in its best form is a creative process. How are you and I going to build a bridge across our differences when so much of me just wants you to change? This is an important tension that will help us grow if we let it, instead of just resenting and wish that the other person were different, which brings hostility, contempt and resentment into the relationship. Differences are going to show up in our relationships, can you be fair and take responsibility for yourself?
Let’s be clear: conflict is not the same thing as Contention.

Contention is contempt, cruelty, being critical, hostile or tearing each other down. This is something that John and Julie Gottman have researched for years. They call these the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse of your marriage Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

Conflict simply means, We see this differently. It’s the honest friction that arises when two lives, two perspectives, two histories, and two sets of desires come together. And far from being a sign of failure, this tension can be a catalyst for growth.

The way a conflict is handled predicts whether the couple will thrive. In conflict, we must learn to “do what comes unnaturally.” If we do what we have always done, we will keep getting the results we have always gotten—results that may keep us mired in the same old patterns. As Einstein is often paraphrased as saying: You cannot solve a problem at the same level of thinking that created it.
Who would imagine, for instance, that moving toward bad news, instead of away from bad news, is often the better strategy? How many of us intuitively know to tell MORE of the truth when a conflict is becoming destructive rather than keeping quiet or yelling? In the middle of a conflict, if someone insists that “this is really simple!” they probably mean “this would be simple if you would adopt my perspective.” Conflict is anything BUT simple. (Nature of Conflict, Hocker, Wilmot, pg. 7). Don’t fear conflict. Don’t use it as a measure of failure. Use it as a mirror that helps you see where your marriage is inviting you to grow. Conflict, when handled with respect and care, is how we forge a space that belongs to both partners—not just one yielding to the other.

Reach out if you would like help with making your marriage stronger! 385-253-8002